Friday, June 28, 2013

Still there, still trying to breastfeed

A month and 10 days has passed. The prospect of returning home is dangled before me. But it's not to be taken as any indication I think, the whole 2 feeds a day has been proved to be no criteria at all. She's still there. The more accurate picture is that she needs to be feeding all feeds by bottle or breast, sleeping and settling after, waking for the next feed, every day, for a long time (unspecified number of days) with weight increasing, and her age needs to reach over 37 weeks, and also they have to be happy about my support network and my mental state. That's actually the criteria. There will surely be ad hoc additions there when we reach those targets as well, true to form.

Starting to think retreat, hide and keep my head down is the way to go.

Ways to but a spanner in the breastfeeding works is all over the place. Iain doesn't help me with night feeds any more, and I haven't pumped overnight in over a week. I fall asleep after a long day, specially with Jaan dragging bedtime along. I don't hear the alarm. He was helping for the first few weeks, but he's retreated now to his own routine, and I guess he has every right to. He keeps telling me he will wake me and like a fool I believe him and don't find a way to wake up without his assistance. Sounds incredibly selfish to hold him responsible to my ability to wake up. I don't mean it that way, let's be clear, I only hold him responsible for trying to wake me when he says he will, whether I get up or not is my responsibility. I am failing in that 100%

Am being told, by lots of people that I'm doing a great job etc. Nice of them.

In a wonderful dreamworld, my life and Theia's needs are met by me and my friends and family because we are all engaged in a small way with her timings and feeds, and keeping company with each other anyway, and the sideways interest is in me and her achieving what's best for her, and me. Steel Magnolias style (cynical smile).

What do I do? The baby next to Theia is going into care on monday. 8 weeks. She has a wonderful mother, who is achieving the impossible in being such an awesome mum. Her past, her childhood, sounds abominable to me. The things she had to put up with, the things done to her - she has made it through, and her daughter is so loved, so cared for, all by her. The past and her mental state is being held up as 'maybe you'll hurt her' and so it's game over, and I don't see how anyone can do this. She didn't do the abuse, she was abused. I have always been assured by the mental health people that no one believes that makes the victim become an abuser any more, but that's the assumption here. They take a history of self harm to indicate she might use the baby as a method of self harm, but that doesn't even make sense, that's not self harm. Besides, she's mastered the self harm. It's been 4 years SH free.

The implications for my own situation are stark, pretty harsh too. Further indications to hide, but not in a visible way, not physical retreat. Fastest way might be to hide behind the feeding bottles. Get shot of the audience.

hate myself. really hate myself. because it can't be Theia's fault this is happening, it's my useless body, my crap life that has put us here. Ask anyone, it won't be anything Saint Iain has done.

Icing on the cake? My parents putting plenty of energy into lecturing me and telling me to get rid of the dog. MY dog. My dad lecturing me on what a shit parent I am because Jaan doesn't get enough sleep.

Yeah, hate myself.
Post a Comment