Since I last blogged there have been deep dark BPD dips, which have not been pleasant. However I have been reading about it all less, and putting into practice the skills, tools, what-have-yous that I have been collecting over the past year. Without a guide, a therapist, a group, a focus like that it is hard to decipher what is happening to me when an episode or downcycle begins, but I do seem to know I need to tread with care once the jitters begin. The drill is now:
Jitters begin or I don't feel right, don't feel right ..
I tell Iain, he reminds me to take a panda (Lorazepam) or offers me a panda.
Crucially my new experiment is to expect no more of him past the panda. If he's not around and I remember I get my own panda. this is all quite revolutionary, this stage of the drill.
I wait it out, choose a few activities out of those lined up, a few chores, a few food items to try and eat. I back off from everything else.
I believe that in time this drill will evolve to something more complex. This way I have managed to minimise a lot of damage. The sh has been minimal or absent and outbursts have been drastically curtailed, or largely impotent implosions, best slept off.
This is, of course an improvement.
I'm pretty sure it was not a catalyst, rather a time when I got some practice in, but Nani's death feels like a line drawn under a previous time. Partly some areas of my personality, my heart, my life have shut down and are still shut since her death, and the deaths, it seems, of many people who knew me as a little one. Mostly my feelings and grief are private, even inarticulate sometimes.
The only things I am being procative with really are work and budget-keeping. I've been temping solidly since Nani died. Next booking is a month long, maybe a permanent job at the end if I do it well. I don't get to see my friends much which is sad for me, but money worries and self worth are tough things to deal with and they are big triggers. I'm working hard at making ends meet too, but I don't know if I am managing as well as I think. More time will tell. I've had to abandon WeightWatchers as I wasn't losing weight any more and I was relying on a lot of ready made/processed food and Coke Zero ... my tummy is chaotic still. I need many many bacterias I think ...
So my aims are:
stick with the same skills for a month, and work. Pay bills. The house should exchange soon. Maybe that will help ... Skip the soda, and stay off the lactose - a month is a good long time to not have lactose :) Cook the quinoa breakfast, laksa and onigiri recipes, they sounded good. Iain thought risotto balls and quinoa balls sounded good too.
When it comes to Jaan he's been coping better than expected since I have been at work so much. Jenny the babysitter and Michelle the childminder are lined up. Next month is the trial month for Michelle and us, while I'm working at Bidwells. Planning on each day at school too, each morning. It's a big grown up stage for him. Meanwhile I think we have a kids theatre show - Norwich, then Steiner then Bury every weekend whoooo.
Time with Iain might be in the pipeline too, courtesy of Jenny, but at least I know he's getting cinema time with Cathy on Wednesdays or whenever, and getting a few outings in himself.