Borderline Personality Disorder gets ugly. For me there is the furious outbursts, attacks towards others and spiteful behaviour on the outside, deep soul destroying anguish and pain on the inside, and a desperate helpless sadness for myself, others, the world, all women etc etc take your pick. The flip of the dark deep pain is the over-exuberance, the babbling on and on, the inane chatter. I hate myself most at that phase. It is the least controlled, least attractive face I have. By this I mean I think it s even worse than uncontrollable crying, outrageous personal comments, being mean or cruel because I feel so awful and my more violent outbursts. Babble face makes me sick of myself, really sick and hateful.
I've been managing to achieve a bunch of stuff. I'm working at weekends, I have appointments lined up to see the cv advice and interview advice guy at the job centre, Iain is prepared to help me make sense of our possessions, I've been seeing my mates and will be seeing 2 more at long last again soon. Jaan is doing well at school.
There's normally fall out for me after all this good work and I feel it now. Sadness, deep sadness and a bit of mid level self loathing, a sense of disgust, also a certainty that one thing bad will come soon to trump any good.
I am keen to be sad in private (blog aside) rather than rail and analyse analyse analyse every element to pieces. Am wondering if that change will help. The cycle will take place regardless I suppose. Why have a lousy ride?