Thursday, July 26, 2012

Jitters, that's what it's like

Today I have the jitters. Jittery jittery jitters.

I think it's a reaction for getting really upset and hugely lacking in self esteem yesterday. Like so often I felt like no one cares about me and that Iain and Jaan were blanking me. I'm sure they were actually, but I'll bet it was one of those times that Iain says I think lots of minutes have passed and he thinks seconds have.

That all followed hot on the heels of sending out emails that needed to be sent, not many, just a few.

I can't do anything without it all falling apart around me after.

I hate BPD.

I'm not self fulfilling any prophetic disasters, this is just how it is. I try and do what I should to make things better - make appointments, do laundry etc. Then the fall out inside me. My life crumbles as I see it, Iain and Jaan and anyone else seem (to me) to hate me for my failures.

My failures seem overwhelmingly large when their (perceived by me) disgust adds in. Kaboom.

there's nothing I can do, hurting myself will just hurt in the long run, and I do not know how to die. Also, with people fighting to live all the time, I don't really have a callous leg to stand on here. It's a miserable existence.
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